Transformers

It appeared on the screen, an iconic symbol of American ingenuity and workmanship, and my heart sank; "Oh god, he's going to do it. Michael Bay is going to blow up the Hoover Dam."

Could I have thought anything differently after having already sat through an hour and a half of Transformers, a movie by the director of such "films" as Bad Boys 2 and Pearl Harbor? Certainly not.

A bit of damage aside, Bay resisted the temptation to destroy the landmark completely, which might be a high watermark in his directorial career.


Early on in the film, we meet Sam Whitwicky (Shia LeBeouf), the principle non robot. He is descended from a polar explorer who found a few alien artifacts trapped in the ice. Sam buys a used car and things get interesting. Soon, the nice Autobots and mean Decepticons are transforming all over the place, searching for an all-powerful talisman.

Let me just say now that by no means is Transformers a bad movie. I had never watched it before the other night and I can only say that I found it to be absolutely ridiculous, and that's considering I already knew it was about transforming robots from outer space.

First of all, the coordinates for the allspark or whatever that thing was, were somehow encoded onto a 100 year old pair of glasses? Which apparently can survive a twenty foot fall onto concrete?

Then, when they finally find the damn thing, they decide to hide it from the Decepticons in a big city?

(The following was probably a conversation between Bay and his best friend Jerry Bruckheimer) "Hey, I have an idea, you should have them bring the doohickey the bad guys want to a populated city!" "Oh yeah! More property damage!"


Granted, this does, as intended, lead to a bitching action sequence, but is it believable? Even in a movie about robot aliens, no. No it is not. But that's ok, because that's not what Bay is about. He is all about interspersing action with more action and leaving a little room for some characters to say lines that explain why they are going to blow something up. Or do do insane and unnecessary things like ride a motorcycle towards an evil robot, leap off and slide 100 feet on the pavement through its legs, shooting a grenade launcher into its chest WHILE IT IS SIMULTANEOUSLY GETTING NUKED BY A FREAKING F22. Uhh, overkill much, Michael Bay? That's not how physics work, sorry. I can think of about 124 different ways the guy should have died in that sequence (not to mention all the idiot soldiers should have died of thirst in the first hour of the film anyway).

Oh and who in the hell was that Australian girl? Why was she even in this movie? That whole subplot was not needed at all, since there was no plot for it to be a sub plot FOR.

But I digress.


Transformers is maybe a half hour too long, thanks to an inordinate (for a Michael Bay movie) amount of exposition and non action scenes in the first hour. I would have thought I would appreciate this. But you know whats coming from the first minutes, so it would have been better in this case to just get there a little sooner. An agonizing scene after Sam meets the Autobots involves him searching his room for the glasses for a few minutes, being interrogated by his parents, and the Autobots bumbling around the yard (physical comedy doesn't work well with CG non-human characters).

The acting was pretty solid for an action flick, except for Megan Fox, who brought the entire cast down. Plot, well there was one and that's all that I have to say about that.

This film stands out thanks to its integration of impressive CGI and live stunts. You really can tell the difference between a real and CG bus getting ripped in half. So kudos to Bay for blowing some real stuff up. And for leaving the Hoover Dam alone.

If you are willing to turn your brain off and just watch the robot parts flying all over the screen this movie is awesome. If you care about human characters too much, it might be a problem.


Production Value: 5/5
Action: 4/5
Acting Performances: 1/5
Can you tell: I don't like Michael Bay?

Overall: 6/10